Master the Art of Small Talk In 6 Simple Steps

It may be called small talk, but simply flexing your natural inquisitiveness and asking a few key questions, can lead to very big talk, helping you connect with others on a deeper level. Keep reading for simple strategies that’ll ensure you master small talk — as well as become a great listener.

1. Master small talk by going ‘treasure hunting’

“Every singe person you meet — whether at work, a party or a networking event — is a treasure chest,” declares body language and communication expert Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charisma. “Think about each new conversation as an opportunity to open that chest,” she says. This starts with the underrated superpower we all have: curiosity.

“Give people the permission to share the good stuff about their lives,” encourages Wood. For example, you might ask, ‘What’s the best thing to happen to you in the last week or since we last talked?’” Even easier? Just remember the three-word secret to a great conversation: “Tell me more,” adds leading expert on communication, Matt Abrahams, author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter. “This gives the other person space to share more information and help you connect.”

2. Pinpointing your conversation type

There are three kinds of conversations: practical (solving problems); emotional (forging connections); and social (relating to each other), explains Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Power of Connection. Knowing which one the other person needs is key to connecting more deeply. “If my wife comes home with a problem, for example, I may start a practical conversation where I try to help her solve it,” says Duhigg. “But that may annoy her because she wants an emotional conversation where I just listen.” To help you pinpoint the type of discussion that’ll meet the moment, he suggests simply asking: “Do you want to brainstorm solutions, or do you want to vent?”

3. Master small talk by knowing your ‘animal’

We tend to fall into two communication styles, says Wood. “The rabbit, who likes to talk fast and finds silences uncomfortable, and the turtle, who’s a bit perfectionistic, measuring their words carefully and doing more observing than speaking.” Knowing which one you are can help you grease the wheels of conversation.

“If you’re a rabbit and tend to talk quickly and overlap with people because you don’t like silence, just take your hand and press your thumb into each finger after you ask a question — this gives you an automatic five seconds of silence for the other person to chime in,” suggests Wood. And if you’re a turtle, and feel rushed, she advises simply extending your hand with your palm facing downward at waist-level as a nonverbal signal for the other person to wait because you’re still thinking.

two older women engaging in small talk — South_agency

4. Tap the power of active listening

Simply put, when people believe we’re listening to them, they’re more likely to listen to us, says Duhigg, adding that supercommunicators don’t have to be supernaturally charming, either. In fact, they can even be introverts. But the one thing they all tend to do is “prove that they’re listening.” This skill is especially important when we want to resolve a conflict. That’s because in these situations, “we often suspect that the other person is just waiting to speak without listening to us,” says Duhigg. He explains that the best listening technique takes just three easy steps:

First, ask a deep question. Then, when you get the answer, rephrase it in your own words. “This isn’t mimicry; rather, it’s proof that you paid attention,” he says. Finally, ask if you got it right. You might just say, ‘Did I get that correctly?’ They may say ‘yes’ or they may tell you they meant something else.” Proving that you’re listening paves the way for stronger connections and defuses disagreements fast.

5. Support others by echoing their emotions

When someone is going through a difficult time, the best thing to do is to simply stay in the moment and try to read their emotions, encourages Wood. “Acknowledge what they’re feeling, by saying, ‘That sounds hard [or difficult or challenging].’” She recalls doing just that recently when someone in her circle revealed that that his brother had Alzheimer’s. “I said, ‘That sounds painful.’ This gave him ‘permission’ to tell me a little about his brother — including all the wonderful things about him — so that his emotional state began to shift out of pain into positivity.”

Mature woman holding her friend's hand in support as they talk about difficult emotions — mapodile

6. Transform acquaintances into friends

Ultimately, perhaps the biggest takeaway from the research on how to communicate more effectively and master small talk is that we consistently underestimate how much people, including acquaintances, enjoy deeper conversations. And by “deep,” we mean asking questions that tap into values, beliefs or experiences, reveals Duhigg. For example, instead of asking a teacher you just met where she teaches — which will only give you a one-note answer — you might ask them what inspired them to get into this noble profession in the first place, he suggests. “When we go deeper, that’s when things get interesting.”